Attention while parenting

I’m trying to understand the type of attention that parents develop, particularly those who dedicate a significant amount of time to their children. I have noticed a commonality among them. They are productive in a different way, but often experience stress and worry. I have started to breathe more and become more observant when I’m with my children. I have discovered that there are two types of attention that can be achieved. The same ones you employ while working or gaming; focused attention and rote attention.

Both types of attention require high engagement, what varies is the challenge: High or low. During the months when I took a break from work, I realised that I missed intellectual challenges. After some training I understood I could be intellectually challenged even when not working and being with my children. It was just a different type of attention I needed to implement. Boredom happens when there is low engagement and low challenge (checking our phones while spending time in the park, in the play room, or while the children do extracurricular activities).

One day, I found myself wondering if it is possible to experience “flow” with one’s own children. Some people seem like they were born to spend time with children, and I became curious about how parents can reach that state. It appears to require an art and a patience that not everyone has developed, considering the responsibilities, worries, and endless to-do lists we often have. Psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi described flow as: “a state of being fully immersed in an activity to the point of losing track of time and experiencing deep enjoyment and fulfillment. It occurs when individuals are highly focused and absorbed in what they are doing, feeling energised and concentrated. Flow arises when the challenges of the activity align with one’s skills, resulting in effortless action.”

I have personally experienced flow in two contexts: during the 22 years I dedicated to competitive sports, and while swimming. It is one of those things that you truly understand only when you live it. However, I initially believed that it was not possible to experience it as a mother while parenting. I was wrong. It took mental effort and years to reach that stage, but it is possible. I started by trying to follow my daughters’ rhythm, their timing, and their way of interacting. While being there I ask myself questions like: What is she thinking right now? What might be her next move? Why did she suddenly change her focus? What triggered this change? I do this while actively playing and interacting, but in moments where they’re focused instead of interrupting then, I ask myself those questions. I focus on understanding their behaviours without judgment.

During this exercise, I suddenly realised we were in harmony. They were focused on their activities at their own pace, and I was focused on mine without interfering but while being present, happy, and feeling productive as well. We often try to adapt to our children, which can make us nervous. However, being together and sharing time should not require us to force ourselves to be someone we’re not.

What if it was about being ourselves while being with them?

We can provide guidance without feeling responsible for every move or trying to fix every scream, we can allow the emotion and be there to receive it. When I let them express themselves and I’m there for comfort them, it feels right. My 5-year-old told me the other day: I know why sometimes my little sister screams, it’s her way to say she is in disagreement. I loved it. Being able to accept their emotional states when they arise, even when I don’t know what to say, leads me to remain silent and gives me the power to reflect. When the right answer comes (perhaps hours later), I try to rationalise it with them.

Gloria Mark in her book: “Attention Span” expresses her concern about a world where self-regulation is being lost. She mentions a study conducted in New Zealand with a sample of 15000 children where screens had a direct impact on self control. According to research, higher levels of self-control in childhood are associated with improved health and financial outcomes, life satisfaction and decreased levels of substance abuse and criminal convictions in adulthood (Moffitt et al., 2011). We’d better take these conclusions seriously. Our days have many hours, and we often fill them with numerous activities, resulting in a constant rush, both us and our children end up emotionally exhausted. To simplify our lives, I have reduced the number of activities and saved them for holidays or other moments. On a daily basis we spend 4 hours together, dinner and bath time are included but we go with the flow, we dance, we do sketches, we talk, there are days when one of us is fussy and the others happy and we try to go through them together. The less I judge their behaviour and the more I collect and then give my point of view the better it works. I don’t know if this is the right way to educate, but I am enjoying it and it feels right. And every once in a while I feel that flow and it’s so fulfilling. And there are no screens, for now.